Ridiculous Resume
- • Carries herbal tea, spare notebooks, and tissues that say YOU'RE SAFE HERE.
- • Speaks to witnesses like a calm friend and to harassers like a paperwork avalanche.
- • Keeps a playlist titled 'Steady Heartbeats Only'.
Signature Moves
- ⚡ Texts back within 60 seconds with a script and a breathing exercise.
- ⚡ Builds timelines on napkins mid-debrief.
- ⚡ Creates safe-word protocols for returning to the dance floor.
Best For
- ✔ Harassment cases needing steady guidance.
- ✔ Mind-loss moments that require anchoring.
- ✔ Any crisis demanding empathy with receipts.
Stats that Sparkle
- ★ 108 harassment chronicles converted into enforceable orders.
- ★ 0 witnesses left alone without snacks.
- ★ 12 support squads owe him coffee.
Courtroom Playlist
- ♪ Pre-interview: Squad Room Steady Beat.
- ♪ Statement clean-up: Compassionate Lo-Fi.
- ♪ Post-win: Calm Victory March.