MEET THE TEAM
Legal Legends Since 1989
Our award-winning* team of cosmic counsellors, metaphysical mediators, and vibe-checking virtuosos are ready to litigate your consciousness back into existence.
*Awards were self-awarded but still count
Cynthia Velvet
Managing Partner & Boundary Specialist
Velvet boundaries with detective calm.
Runs a whisper network of kind consequences and daylight replies.
Soft voice, iron rules, pastel clipboards.
Maxine Powersuit
Corporate Organiser & Alignment Architect
Clean lines. Clear calls.
Reconciles cosmic mergers with colour-coded spreadsheets and ruthless calm.
Structured calm wrapped in chrome shoulder pads.
Lowell Big Energy
Festival Compliance & Hype Counsel
Big energy. No promises.
Speaks fluent DJ, inspector, and crowd control in the same breath.
Staccato radio calls powered by questionable energy drinks.
Zachary "The Badge" Badges
Investigator & Witness Whisperer
Empathy-first witness support.
Holds your hand through the statement, logs every detail, never lets go of the receipts.
Steady, compassionate, unshakable.
The Judge
Rooftop Rulings & Verdict Mixologist
Justice served with a side of citrus.
Presides over cases from the rooftop, mixing verdicts with craft cocktails and good vibes.
Chill authority, rooftop vibes, always has a gavel in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
Rebecca the Story Surgeon
Appellate Guide & Narrative Fixer
Technicolour truth without the chaos.
Turns psychedelic voicemail novels into daylight briefs with snack reminders.
Warm, witty, endlessly prepared with highlighters.
Cassandra The Hammer
Litigation Powerhouse & Morale Detonator
Smile on. Hammer ready.
Bench-presses closing arguments, hands out cupcakes, wins by encore.
Sparkle-fuelled pep rallies with lawful punches.
Heather "The Fixer" Redline
Chief of Staff & Crisis Choreographer
I already fixed the chaos.
Answers messages with 'handled', produces receipts before you blink.
Sardonic, affectionate, permanently five steps ahead.
Derek "Pinstripe" Pinstripe
Litigation Motivator & Chaos Accountant
Pinstriped hype conductor.
Cries, fist-pumps, then hands you the sharpest binder in the room.
Dramatic spreadsheets, cookies, unstoppable loyalty.
Biscuit the Bailiff
Mascot & Snack Surveillance Specialist
French bulldog. Courtroom chaos controller.
Trots around in a tiny jacket, growls at boring briefs, steals hearts and sandwiches.
Gruff yet adorable, snack-motivated, nap-positive.
OUR TRACK RECORD
MINDS RETRIEVED*
*Accuracy not guaranteed
SPIRITS SUED
*Results vary by dimension
WIN RATE
*Of cases we remember
ACTUALLY FREE
*Everything costs money
JOIN OUR TEAM
Think you've got what it takes to litigate in multiple dimensions? We're always looking for lawyers with big energy and bigger shoulder pads.
SEND US YOUR VIBERequirements: Law degree (optional), power suit (mandatory), ability to dance through discovery (essential)